Waiting.

Yesterday afternoon the hospital turned off Mom Taylor's ventilator.  I have texted her future Daughter-in-Law (which has been amazing) for another update.  I know that Dad Taylor can't handle sharing any of this news.  It's hard enough as it is for him to try to cope with the fact his best friend and soul mate is passing.  I'm trying to find peace in knowing that Heaven will be gaining the most amazing angel yet.  In remembering her and sweet memories.  The last update was that if she handles it well and keeps breathing, they plan to remove the tube.  They will then sedate her when she is having too much trouble on her own and she will not wake back up.  :'(  If she can't handle being off the ventilator, they will sedate her and keep her comfortable until she passes.  I don't even know how to cope with that.  Basically just waiting on the final saying of it all.  I'm pulling for a miracle so hard on the inside, but pray that what's best for her happens, we can't be selfish.  I'm at a numb point, blank, sad.  There aren't any words to really describe the feeling I have 24/7.  I'm trying to focus thoughts and prayers on the family right now, too.  As much as she is to me, she is that much plus more to them.  I just pray that they are as strong as their mother is and have faith and comfort while they sit with her to see her through these final times.  :(  My heart aches so badly for them right now. 

Losing a significant person

I received news late last night that a dear woman to me, Mom Taylor, will be passing away in a matter of days more than likely.  She has spent the last month in ICU at Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, FL.  She was initially admitted because of an infection preventing her from receiving blood units to help with her cancer she's been fighting for about 8? years.  Turned out that it was E.Coli. Well, I guess the cancer kicked her while she was down... and it's 90-100% in her bone marrow, all over her body, there's not anything more the doctors can do for her. :(  They took her off her feeding tub last night, and today will be removing the ventilator and letting nature run it's course.  There is so much more I want to write on this, and will when I have more time.  I am at work trying to find some sort of concentration right now.  I'm beside myself, feel like throwing up, completely drained and saddened.  My heart is completely broken, in no way it ever has before.  This is the first significant person in my life that I will have lost.  I have certainly had family members pass away, but my relationships with them weren't anything as close as the relationship I had with Mom Taylor.  She was Mom Taylor because she was exactly like a mom to me and saw me through more than anyone could have asked for at times.  She was a best friend, sister and mother figure all in one.  I miss her so much already for the past year... being away from Jacksonville and all... and now.  Now I won't even be able to tell her ever so often that I miss her and love her.  I don't even know.  My heart bleeds even more for her family.  Her husband, who seems to already be lost, and her two sons, Jordan and Josuah.  She was an amazing woman, wife and mother... this is going to be terribly hard for them.  Not to discount how hard the past month has already been.   I'm just beyond any words on how I'm feeling right now about this... and will definitely sit down to write out this past month with her..  I love that woman, always will.  I am sooo saddened I won't be able to laugh with her again.  :(

Easter 2012

It's a beautiful day outside.  I haven't really set out to enjoy it, though.  Knowing it's pretty out I guess is good enough.  ;)  I was supposed to drive to Florence to meet a friend who had purchased a Stainless Steel Pots/Pans set through my business, Princess House.  I received a text at 6:30am saying he was too exhausted to drive to meet me, maybe another day.  In a way, I was relieved!  I didn't have to drive 4 hours round trip by myself!  :D  Yay.  I'd really like to be able to get the set to him, though.  I have a second set that needs to get 9 hours away to Sarasota, FL, too!   Aggh!
I have eaten a bowl of cereal, bleach scrubbed the laundry room, started more laundry and started the dishwasher all this morning.  I'm waiting on my sleeping prince to wake up so I might make us an Easter Brunch.  From there, who knows.
Easter is so weird this year.  We have nothing going on, no family getting together, nadda.  I did get to do an Easter craft, though.  I wanted to make treats for Jeremy and the crew he works with since they work tonight.  I made them last night, so I hope they are not hard as rock by the time they get to eat them tonight!  :P  If so, I'll let Jeremy know to have them microwave them for 5-10 seconds or something to soften them up. Here's a picture of them here:

It was fun making them!  A lot cleaner than egg dying anyway! :)  The only other thing I think I might do is make some deviled eggs.  Then, I think... why?  It's just the two of us... That would be a bit of egg to eat before it goes bad.  I'm trying to lose weight... and I'm stuck at the moment, even though I've continued working out and trying!  I think I need to cut back on the foods a bit and especially evaluate what I'm putting in my body, no matter how bad I want it!!!  My current take on that is...

Yeah... frustrating.

Jeremy's dad is back home now and Jeremy won't be taking leave this week. (Thank goodness).  David wouldn't elaborate on what his action plan is to get better, so we'll see.  We were planning on heading to Venice this weekend to visit with my family.  It's been almost a year since I've seen them, I think.  I have to work on Friday, so that was kind of nixed to begin with.  Now, we have to travel anyway, to go be with his dad.  It's important to do so, though.  Time is sensitive, and his health very bad.  :(   You just never know.  Even with good health... you never know. 
I guess that's why I really can't wait to visit with my family again, see my two nieces, my new nephew I haven't met yet (born in Feb) and then my Mom, Brother and Sister.  What about my dad, you ask?!  Funny story.
One, he truck drives, so chances are I wont see him anyway.  Two, he has very big shoulders.  And the point of number two is the fact that those shoulders can hold VERY VERY large chips.  He has held the BIGGEST chip against me since the end of September.  Shit, we're almost to a year by the time we're done blinking since he hasn't really spoke to me.  He spoke with me once since then, on Christmas.  It was a big fat "Merry Christmas, I still love you."  I have received one text since then as well... a reply to my Happy Valentine's day text.  I've texted, I've posted here and there.  NOTHING.  I guess he'd just rather me be dead to him.  Whatever floats his boat... I just hope nothing bad happens before he can finally get those chips off his shoulders. 
That's definitely a story for another day, though.  :)
I hope everyone is enjoying their time with their friends and families during this wonderful, meaningful day.  Perhaps I'll vent more later, maybe not.  We shall see.  Until next time....

Lackluster kind of day

I started this post with intentions of giving you step by step details of my lackluster day.  Then after "step" two I decided that it was definitely way too lackluster to even do that. 

There is a lot going on around us right now.  Well, not nearby, but near to our hearts.  Jeremy's dad is being released from the hospital (in Orange Park, FL) today.  He was admitted Wednesday night after being dehydrated and disoriented.  On March 13th, he had a double hernia operation that was to alleviate pain he was in.  In addition to this, he is dealing with colon cancer right now.  There is a large tumor on his rectum that is quite painful.  During this most recent hospital visit, he was advised he had three different options that he could ultimately choose from, and was provided detailed information on all. 
Now, Jeremy's dad, David,  is a holistic type of (very unique) person.  He feels that he can fight this naturally like he did when he was younger.  He is 73 now.  The game is different.  I think he refuses to acknowledge that.  We just received a text this evening advising us that he is going home from the hospital today, I guess he made a decision.  Jeremy's mom, Lynn, doesn't know much.  She just knows she's on her way there as of now, and he made a decision (sounds like without his partner of 37 years...).  From what we can tell so far, he decided not to make any of the three options given to him.  He, instead, has decided to do some "protocol" a Boston doctor that believes in his ways has advised him to do.  Which I think is absolutely absurd.  Time is ticking... you're 73... suffering and in pain... sometimes you can't just "see what this will do first, then make a decision about another option later." 
David is an absolutely stubborn fellow.  He's a great man, but stubborn and sometimes seems self-centered when it comes to his health and not caring about what others are going through trying to see him through this.  I guess he truly does take "put yourself (#1) first, no matter what" to heart.  This is just making it even harder for Lynn to deal with. 
I can't imagine being in her place.  Where concern turns to heartbreak turns to anger turns to resentment all at a time you probably need to put that aside most.  How can you do both?!  Put aside, but yet feel what's natural for humans to feel?!  Ahh, I feel for her.  :(

I have a very dear woman to my heart in ICU still (since March 12th).  I don't think I have enough words to express what she and her family mean to me... I could have a separate entire blog dedicated to her and the family and what the past 9 years has been with them and how they have helped me grow.  She is fighting to get better everyday.  She has multiple myeloma cancer to begin with.  It has been in and out of remission.  She has been dealing with it with the chemo and such.. which had eliminated all her white blood cells.  She was attacked by E.Coli.  This was so scary and the roughest two weeks I have ever had to deal with back in March, when she initially went in.  I can't imagine her family.  My heart feels for them every day, even still.  I am so concerned, and so worried.  I know she's a fighter and fighting everyday... she's a hero of mine for sure.  I should have started writing this blog back when it all started....

There is so much that I recall that I should have started this blog for a LONG time ago.. which I tried, but didn't get far.  I hope to catch some raw emotion this time around... as I dedicate myself to enter a post everyday. 

Those two figures are constantly in the forefront of our thoughts right now, amongst dealing with our daily routines. 

The routine today was sleeping, gym, tanning, lunch, laundry.. and I'm making rice krispie treats for Easter to send in with Jeremy since he has to work tomorrow evening.  This is the first time in a long time that I have had absolutely no plans for Easter, and no where to really go.  Which brings me to this whole South Carolina thing...

Today I have officially felt homesick like a MOTHER!  I have a bit of acquaintances here, but feel as though I don't really have any FRIENDS.  I miss Jacksonville and wish I had my friends back.  I know distance can't part us, but man... this sucks.  All the Navy wives here are quite interesting to say the least and I haven't really found any that are my "type" or that are without kids.  It's insane.  I have met some lovely ladies, don't get me wrong!  There is no close-knit community of any sorts when it comes to here, though.  I was expecting something like the Bahamas station -- where everyone knows almost everyone (or for the most part) and everyone can get together at some point or another and just have fun.  It's a much larger base, so obviously within reason I expected that.  ;) 

Then I wonder... is it me?!  Couldn't be... not based on my network in Jax... but then who knows. 

I'm just blah lately.  It's affecting everything I think.  I'm tired all the time, I feel like poo, I just don't have much motivation for anything... no one to share it with at the moment it feels... as far as girlfriends go.  I absolutely have a blast and enjoy my time with my husband, but outside relationships with others, I think, is very important, and we don't have that. :/  We definitely had that in the Bahamas.  Nothing like the family type close-knit relationships we had there. 

There's a couple not Navy related that we had spent a lot of time with, and loved doing so... but I think Jeremy's schedule has really jacked that up for the time being.  Hard when he is on nights. 
Stay strong, though!  It's the best for his career right now... and being at that depressing place he works...

I guess that's all that's on my mind right now... back to the lackluster-ness of laundry and boredom for me... 

An outlet

I feel like I have so much going on, so much to say, so much to release.  At this point it's a pretty big, mumbled mess.  I have no idea where to start, but this is a start!  I plan to try to update this on the daily, in the evenings (or at least the evenings my husband works and I'm alone).  Who knows, I might end up updating several times a day.  I plan on coming by to release whatever emotion/thoughts/feelings onto this virtual diary.  Though, not a diary.  Everything is so public anymore.  Some ways, I think that it may be good.  Other ways, not so much.  Eh.

Right now I'm so ADHD feeling, I can't concentrate on one feeling over the next.  I figured after the initial post, I will more easily return upon a thought or feeling I wish to release to text.  :)  Stay tuned.